How Therapy Prepared Me for Postpartum Challenges
I just had my first baby, and I’m writing this after a night of sleeping in only 90 minute chunks (so bear with me!). I knew the newborn weeks would be hard, sleep deprived, and anxiety-filled and there’s some much I could have never predicted about it. I knew from friends and from my online communities some of what to expect, but I really think my years of personal therapy prepared me the most to make it through this hard time.
Postpartum is flippin hard. It’s just hard. The first two weeks I sobbed every day between 4 and 6pm for no real reason. I would feel a wave of sadness come out of nowhere and I’d just cry. My body was in so much pain and changed so quickly. And everyone wanted to call and text and visit.
So here are the main struggles I’ve experienced so far at 9 weeks now, and how my experiences of therapy helped me through.
I know what my boundaries are and how to set them. This one is huge. I’ve had to set boundaries with family and friends and have had to feel confident in putting myself and my baby’s needs first. Some people have been disappointed and have tried to push back or have tried to center their preferences instead. Being in therapy taught me how to not take this personally, how to not make it into a fight, and how to be at peace within myself.
I can accept my body’s changes without getting too attached. I’ve done a lot of work on body acceptance- hence, my focus on it with my own clients- and pregnancy and post partum are huge times where this has come in handy. My body started to change soon after giving birth, just in feeling my belly squishier and my leg swelling gone down. I can look in the mirror and appreciate my post partum belly and stretch marks instead of focusing on trying to lose weight like many of my post partum peers. A huge stressor removed and instead I can focus on nourishing myself so I can nourish my baby.
I’m able to let go of expectations. Every day with my newborn is a roller coaster, and every day I have to throw plans out the window. Maybe today she’s too fussy to get out of the house. Maybe I won’t get that one chore done for a whole week, and I have to be okay with that (this blog took me two weeks to write!). I’ve learned to work with my own perfectionism and attachment to my agenda.
I’m able to recognize and communicate my emotions and my needs. As I said, for the first two weeks postpartum, every day I would cry between 4 and 6 pm. Often there was no reason or trigger for it. One time I was making a snack in the kitchen and just started weeping. It helped that I could feel the wave of emotion wash over me and I could communicate I felt sad or I felt tender. This helped my partner and my loved ones know how to respond and it helped them to stay calm. I could communicate if I felt guilty, anxious, sad, tender, or irritable.
I didn’t buy into perfectionism and mom guilt, at least not all the way. It’s nearly impossible to not have some mom guilt because it is marketed to us so aggressively. Every algorithm and social media account has learned that I’m a mom now, and they push so much content at me. No matter how much I try to avoid it, to keep my wits about me with it, I am tempted to feel inadequate and like I’m doing things wrong. I’m tempted to buy into the “right” way to put my baby to sleep or to feed her. My experiences in therapy helped me recognize when I’m putting myself down or telling myself I’m not enough. And, it has helped me see when I’m feeling guilt when there’s nothing to feel guilty about.
I knew how to ask for help. And lord knows I needed a lot of help (and still do). I was able to ask for tangible help, for emotional help, and was able to express when I didn’t know what I needed but just that I needed something.
I knew what I needed to regulate my emotions. Sometimes this was a nap (a lot of the time it was a nap), or a longer shower. Sometimes it was time out of the house by myself. Sometimes I needed to vent and get reassurance or take a walk outside, but I knew what I needed and could communicate it. This was so helpful since my baby relied on my emotional regulation every day.
My partnership did not become a battle ground. I was able to tell myself every day that we were in this together even if I was on my own with the baby. I trusted my partner had the best intentions and trusted she cared about my needs too.
I could let go of what I couldn’t control. I mean, it took effort and sometimes tears, but I could let things go.
Postpartum has been a struggle, and I’m not saying I’m doing it perfectly at all. I have had help from friends primarily, and I’ve shed so many tears. So many tears. I’m sweating all the time, and my hair is greasier than ever. But, my mental health is strong and I’m able to emotionally care for myself and my baby. And that’s HUGE
My personal experiences in my own therapy helped me develop the ability to observe my thoughts and feelings, skill in communicating my feelings, and self awareness in what gives me comfort and care. I make lots of mistakes still, and I have days I’m super dysregulated. But it makes it so much easier when I can notice the dysregulation and name it for myself and my partner.
So let this be a big advertisement for therapy! But also, therapy is not the only way to gain these skills. If you are looking for a therapist, I recommend finding one knowledgeable about fat liberation and committed to body acceptance. Check out ASDAH’s list and the Center for Body Trust.
