Do’s and Don’ts for Thin Allies
The other day I was talking to a thin friend and sharing my frustrations with finding clothes that fit. She was doing a good job of listening but still couldn’t empathize with not just being able to go to Target in person. Bless her heart, but this was kind of missing the whole point.
While I work mainly with clients who are in larger bodies themselves, I do work with thin clients who want to work on their body acceptance as well. This still includes unlearning anti-fatness, and getting more educated on the experiences of folks in the most marginalized bodies.
So here are some tips I tell my straight size friends, clients, and fat clients too!
Here are some DON’TS for thin allies:
Comment on anyone’s weight fluctuation, including yours, ours, or anyone else’s. There’s no need to say anything about it! Just keep it to yourself, period.
Say you “feel” fat. Fat is not a feeling. You can feel bloated maybe, or feel like your stomach is full. You can feel like clothes are not fitting you comfortably, but fat is not an emotion. Watch how you even talk to yourself about your body when you are feeling uncomfortable in your body.
Use us to process your own feelings about your body, your relationship with food, etc. Don’t compare your experiences to ours, and don’t equate a time someone made you feel ugly to times where our bodies are treated as less than. I cannot tell you how many times this has happened to me! It’s so insulting, and honestly I experience it as very silencing. It tells me my experiences are not welcome, and that we are centering you and your socially acceptable body. My experiences are about feeling unsafe because of vitriolic anti-fat hate speech; are about not being able to fit into spaces, and having my body be categorically unwelcome; are about not getting medical care because of my BMI. I’m sorry your PE coach made you feel bad (that validaly sucks), but it is not the same.
Assume you know what it’s been like in our bodies, even if you’ve been fat before. I’ve even had thin people who were previously pregnant try to compare their experiences in pregnancy with my experiences of being fat. Yea, those are not the same thing at all. Just let my experience be mine, and try to understand it without comparing it to your own. Maybe keep those thoughts to yourself or process elsewhere.
Try to convince me I’m attractive despite my weight. I’m hot, and my weight and body size are a part of my hotness.
Assume my health, my ability level, or anything because of my body size. You can ask about accessibility needs or give a heads up if there are accessibility blocks for an upcoming event, but this is a disability justice practice that should apply to all bodies.
Here are some things you can DO:
Ask questions with sensitivity, understanding that we may not answer it. If we say something about our experience as a fat person, you’re allowed to be curious and want to understand further. We may be up for explaining, but we may not want to do that labor. Accept that fat people are not here to educate you on anti-fat oppression.
Compliment us if we are looking hella good! Just watch words like “flattering” or phrases that highlight how an outfit makes us look smaller. If the compliment is centered on looking smaller, just don’t say it. But otherwise, tell us we look hot and move on.
Understand that anti-fat oppression means things like our bodies being denied needed medical treatment, being kicked off airplanes just for our body size, being paid less in the workplace, being less likely to be saved in emergencies/pandemics/natural disasters, and so on. Understand anti-fatness is not just about fashion and dating, but is about active discrimination and even criminalization of our bodies just because of their size. This is why there are fights for making weight bias illegal in employment (see MA for the latest active fight, and NYC where it was just won, see Campaign for Size Freedom). This is why Eric Garner’s weight was used alongside his race as justification for police brutality against him (see this upsetting article). This is why people like Emmett Everett were literally killed instead of being saved in Hurricane Katrina (see Fat Rose tribute here). Anti-fat oppression is deadly, so take it seriously.
Add anti-fatness to your social justice lens. Educate yourself on the intersections of anti-fatness with racism, disability justice, classism, etc. Learn about fat activism in your area even.
Talk to your straight sized friends about their comments about bodies, and speak out when you see/hear anti-fat speech or actions happening. Be vocal about advocating for all bodies!
Your fat friends are asking you to do the work of looking where you’ve internalized anti-fatness (we all have to some degree). But, we are not places to process how that makes you feel. Be honest about your biases, your confusion, your questions, and find resources to help you sort it out. Fat people have written plenty on our experiences, so go buy the books or contribute to their Patreons.
I have so much more I could say to thin folks wanting to be allies, but the heart of it is this: treat fat bodies with dignity and respect. Fat bodies are not “other”, they are normal and natural.
Lastly, aside from my one on one work with clients, I do offer trainings for groups and organizations on weight stigma, how to be more accommodating to fat bodies in your practice, and how to incorporate fat liberation into your work. Contact me here for more information.
Leave a comment if there’s more you’d like to share about what you want your thin friends to know!
