Codependency and Neurodivergence
For this month, I want to talk about something I see across the board with my clients- concerns about being codependent. This is a common experience among clients that have lower self esteem, lower self acceptance, and people pleasing tendencies- so I see it a lot in clients that feel “other” and feel like they have to strive to be accepted.
I want to talk about it specifically with neurodivergence because this is a nuanced intersection that has been coming up lately with my clients. I love working with neurodivergent clients, and I see a lot of folks that are working on body acceptance as well as brain acceptance. I know I’ve written about ADHD and binge eating on my blog before, and I want to add more on what I see with my neurodivergent clients.
So here’s my theory- What if what we think of as “neuroses” or things that “need to change” about a client are actually totally normal things their brains do? What if their experiences are neutral and we can assume there’s a natural reason for them?
Okay let’s get into it. First, a simple definition of codependency is basing self worth on being useful or helpful to others alongside hiding your feelings/wants/needs in order to not burden others. The old school text on codependency, which focuses on its relationship to addiction, calls codependency a practice of “oppressive rules-rules which prevent the open expression of feelings as well as the direct discussion of personal and interpersonal problems,” (Codependency No More by Melody Beattie, p. 32). You may already see some ways that codependency and common experiences for neurodivergent folks converge.
I want to make a quick note here about codependency and its history in psychology and popular lexicon. So, the first real work around codependency came up with addiction and the 12 step movement. It has become a common term though, just like gaslighting and narcissistic have become super common today. The traditional sense of codependency was the stereotype of the person married to the alcoholic; the codependent enables, hides, and fixes things for the addict while resenting the addict. Past versions of codependency focused on healing the wounds of the codependent, such as growing up in a home with addiction or abuse.Codependency today tends to bring up the image of an anxiously attached person, putting themself second and everyone else first. It’s used a lot more loosely than in the past. No matter what, I do want to emphasize bringing in compassion when we think about true codependency- it’s all about feeling safe, and gaining love.
Here are some common experiences and examples of what codependency can look like.
Expecting yourself or others to anticipate your needs and the needs of others.
Feeling deeply impacted by others’ behaviors
Feeling highly sensitive to criticism or feedback from others, like your goodness depends on their approval.
Repressing feelings, denying you need or want something, for the sake of others. Not wanting to be a burden, or feeling like others’ needs are bigger than your own.
General other- centredness, as opposed to being focused on your experiences.
Trying to solve others’ issues even when not asked to do so.
Focusing on pleasing others rather than yourself.
Often feeingl unappreciated and almost victimized.
Can report high levels of anxiety or feeling “vigilant”, especially to the small changes in feelings in others.
This list can look mighty similar to experiences for folks with neurodivergence!
Experiences and examples of being neurodivergent:
Being able to pick up on subtle cues and subtle patterns in others, so you may pick up on microexpressions and micro changes in mood. This may end up looking like you’re anticipating someone else’s feelings but really you are seeing the pattern early on.
Experiencing rejection sensitivity dysphoria, so it can feel like your goodness depends on the approval of others.
Experience with “masking”, so much so that you can become disconnected from what you actually want and need.
Anticipating problems that are on the horizon so step in to fix and prevent, but more so for your own comfort and anxiety management.
Stimuli outside of yourself can be very distracting or feel very consuming, whether it’s sensory stimuli or stimuli coming from another person. If someone around you is having big feelings, it may feel overwhelming to you too.
Having very real experiences of being victimized because of your neurodivergence.
Unintentionally being vigilant because you are so sensitive to your environment.
What else would you add to these lists and what other similarities can you notice?
There seems to be a great nuance in the conversation of codependency that just isn’t discussed, and a nuance to neurodivergent experiences that go against some stereotypes (especially very gendered stereotypes). When we look at codependency, the view tends to have a more negative tone; these are behaviors you need to change, and there’s an “inverted narcissism” (as the literature calls it) to being the “savior” all the time. But, when we look at the neurodivergent experiences, these are not necessarily experiences that can be controlled or changed. And in fact, these may be really skillful gifts in the way neurodivergent brains are organized.
Maybe we can find a different name for these neurodivergent experiences, and maybe we can even find some codependent experiences that we can understand with more nuance and kindness too. Maybe this is “empathetic overstimulation”, or maybe it’s “interpersonal sensory input”.
For clinicians, this changes the interventions we would recommend. With this view, then, clients who worry they are struggling with codependency may find more sensory-related tools to help them re focus or prioritize the stimuli they are taking in. Maybe the interventions are not the same as the typical interventions for codependency- self worth building, boundary setting, and trauma healing. What interventions would you recommend to clients who are experiencing sensory overwhelm or who are experiencing the effects of long time masking?
For clients, this would change the support that would actually help. Boundary setting may help to a point, but what happens when you can’t control how much information you take in about a person’s emotional state? When you’re bombarded with inputs, what will actually help you?
The bottom line with this inquiry is maybe what you’re experiencing makes sense what your brain, and maybe that’s okay. And maybe codependency is not something to “fix” but something to understand with more nuance.
If you’re a client looking for support on codependency or if you’re questioning how your brain works, reach out and let’s chat! And if you’re a clinician working at this intersection also, I’m curious what you’re seeing with your folks. I’m curious to hear what you think, so leave a comment below!
