What To Do When Your Favorite Fat or Anti-Diet Icon Gets Weird (or starts dieting again)

It’s happened to all of us. We are scrolling through our feed and find out that fat fashion influencer is now taking weight loss meds, or our favorite anti-diet author is suddenly spouting transphobic nonsense (true story, iykyk). These are parasocial relationships- a one-sided relationship where the celebrity/influencer does not know us. These kinds of relationships can be so important to us, though, and they can feel really real. So then it feels disappointing, almost like a betrayal, when they change course. This was someone that we thought was modeling how to live without body shame and who wrote captions we really resonated with.  It’s confusing, and can make us question our own body acceptance journey. So what do we do?

First things first- feel your feelings. This does NOT mean writing scathing comments on their post or posting about it on your own feed. I mean, do what you want with your social media, but spend some time identifying what your feelings are before you start an internet war. Calling people out may be needed, but let’s get to that in a bit. First, hang out with your feelings (I’m a therapist, so of course this is what I suggest first). Are you sad, disappointed, confused, worried? Does it make you feel anger or doubt about everything else they once stood for? Can you feel what you want to do with this feeling, like is it making you want to scream, to give up hope, or to cry? It’s super normal to have these feelings even about someone we have never met before. These parasocial relationships can feel so real, especially when it’s in the fat or anti-diet community because that community is fairly small compared to the mainstream. So your feelings are valid and that’s the starting place- validate yourself. 

Talk with your community and confidants. Who are the people you can go to that can understand this situation and your reaction? Let your feelings be witnessed and validated by others- again I’m a therapist so of course I say this. But this can be a real help. That influencer or author or celebrity is not going to interact with your comments in a way that’s validating or in a way that makes you feel seen (if they interact with your comments at all). This is not a two way relationship actually. So, go talk to someone who does have a two way relationship with you! Talk with someone that can discuss it with you, that can commiserate, that can validate. You’ll feel heard and hopefully understood.

Then you can evaluate what action you want to take with it. You can unfollow them, or you can say something in your own virtual space about it. There’s no pressure to comment each time something like this happens, because lord knows it keeps happening. There’s no need to feel like your action has to be a public action; it’s just as valid if it’s quiet or private.

But ultimately, we need to bring this to the next level. Understand that people are complex and living in this world is hard. Going against the mainstream is hard. Figuring out how to safely live in a fat body (especially for non-white folks) is very hard. Navigating the medical system and health conditions is hard. There’s actually no perfect way to make it through this world. There’s no perfect way to operate in constantly oppressive systems. 

This is where we can grow in compassion and critique of systems, not individuals. Zoom out and examine what systems are potentially impacting this person because that’s where the problem likely resides. This is not to excuse individuals from accountability, but rather is to expand your analysis of anti-fatness. This analysis is what will move fat liberation forward. 

There’s a time, place, and strategy for calling people out and absolutely sometimes that is the right thing to do. If you are someone that has a platform or has some kind of influence in this area, then I encourage you to use your power thoughtfully. If you’re not someone that exists in that semi-public sphere, this is still for you. 

If you find yourself someone that gets easily swayed by people on your feed, or someone that feels regularly disappointed by the parasocial relationships in your life- your task is to find tangible community. For fat folks, it is especially important to have a fat community. Building community is going to lessen the intensity of the parasocial relationships, while also offering you a safe space to grieve and heal. It offers belonging, connection, and real advice. 

I cannot overstate the importance of fat affirming community, and I’ll write more about how to find it in future blogs. For now, if you’re struggling with finding connection, send me a message or comment on this blog! Let’s get you connected!!

It truly sucks when someone we admire becomes openly transphobic or abandons fat liberation. It’s a real bummer. But, we don’t have to let it knock us off our own course and does not have to derail the larger movement either. Becoming more accepting of your body, feeling stronger in your self advocacy, and fighting for greater inclusion and justice of all bodies is still the goal. Allow yourself to get upset, and then with the help of your community, come back to center.