ADHD in Femmes and Thems: How ADHD Can Look Different in Women and Nonbinary Folks
It’s true that more people are getting diagnosed with ADHD lately, and there’s a very good reason for it. More people who are not cis men- so women, nonbinary, and trans folks- are recognizing ADHD symptoms within themselves thanks in part to more recent research and thanks a lot to content creators. The wave of self diagnosing in particular is exciting as femmes and thems feel more empowered to claim their experiences as valid and real. People of color have also been left out of ADHD research historically and are also now identifying the ways ADHD (and autism) show up in their lives.
ADHD was never just for cis white boys, even though their experience of ADHD was all we were ever taught about it.
Also, ADHD is not caused by being on your phone too much. Not “everyone has ADHD because of Tik Tok”. This is a highly genetic and common neurotype where your brain structure and brain chemistry are impacted. You cannot do anything to cause or reverse ADHD- you’re born with the brain you have and that is okay!
I get so excited when my clients bring to me the question of do they have ADHD. I love exploring what their assumptions are about the diagnosis and what they’ve been learning (typically on social media) about it. This is a potentially life changing revelation for folks, and can often explain why they’ve had the experiences in life they’ve had. Why was traditional school so hard for them? Why are relationships sometimes confusing and dramatic? Why are their emotions so big, especially just before their period?
Why does it feel like other people have an easier time in life than I do?
There are a bunch of ways ADHD can show up in someone’s life, and for femmes and thems this experience is often internal. Sometimes people on the outside have no idea just how much is going on on the inside. (We call this inattentive ADHD clinically, but that’s not a very accurate name for it).
I’ve posted before about how I’ve seen ADHD interact with disordered eating, and here I want to share some of the main symptoms of ADHD that I see in my adult clients.
Internally, it’s super busy. You may have rapid thoughts going in many directions. You can race through scenarios and jump far into the future. You’re skilled at picking up on subtle cues from others, and then try to analyze those subtle cues even while holding a conversation.
Not being able to filter out stimuli. This may mean having sensory sensitivities like the feeling of clothing or the noises in a room. This may also mean that you take in so much information about a person’s tone and microexpressions on their face while talking with them. You can pick up on very small changes in your environment and they feel large in how they impact you.
Being really good at pattern recognition, forecasting, and anticipating the next steps. Those subtle cues you see and that stimuli you can’t filter out? Well, those are often overlooked pieces of information. Your mind naturally goes really fast and can go through scenarios quickly, so you get to conclusions faster than others. Other people may not get it, so they may try to make this out to be anxiety when it’s actually clarity.
Able to synthesize information and combine what you’re learning now with previous information. This again helps you with forecasting or seeing the inevitable conclusion to problems at work, relationships, etc.
Being creative, and able to think about multiple options when problem solving. Your mind is perfectly set up to think of a lot of options all at once. You can often see through arbitrary constrictions.
Difficulty prioritizing tasks. You may be fabulous at making a to do list, but it can feel hard to know where to start. Sometimes this is because tasks feel contingent upon other tasks, so it gets confusing and overwhelming.
Difficulty mobilizing, like it’s hard to get activation energy. You know you need to take out the trash, but getting out of bed feels monumental. You may even want to take out the trash, but again moving your body to it feels impossible. You then feel bad about yourself for this, and don’t understand why these tasks are so easy for other people but so hard for you.
Often feeling like you have to just shut down, whether that’s by sleeping or using substances. When there’s conflict, when you’re bored, when you’re overwhelmed, when there’s just too much to do- you sleep. Or you get high. Or you zone out in some other way.
Hyperfocusing, but sometimes on something other than what you actually want to focus on. Sometimes this means you suddenly get all the mobilizing energy and you clean every single part of your house in an hours long cleaning binge. Sometimes this is researching every option, or not being able to let an issue go until you process it for hours.
Feeling like others have it easier than you, like you’re not doing what your peers are doing, or that you’re hiding the real you. If others knew what was actually going on in your head, they may not like you or respect you. I hear that sentiment a lot. It can feel like imposter syndrome, or pretending to be someone you’re not. Your inside experience and how you present yourself on the outside may feel very out of synch with each other.
Trying every kind of habit hack or organizational system, and feeling like you have to follow your systems in order for things to get done. Sometimes this can appear rigid to others.
Feel vigilant towards any negative feedback from others, and worry you’re overthinking communications. You’ve probably heard of rejection sensitivity disorder, which is super common with ADHD. Again, you can tell when there are subtle changes in tone or microexpressions, and because you feel like you’re an imposter, it’s the perfect storm for overanalyzing communications.
General self doubt, trusting others more than yourself. How can you trust yourself when you can’t mobilize to do something you want to do? How can you trust yourself when other people seem to have such a different internal experience than you?
Relational struggles, like feeling easily defensive or easily shamed.
Feeling misunderstood, sometimes even by yourself. It’s hard to feel authentic sometimes, and hard to listen to your internal compass since it seems to go against the tide around you. It can feel like you’re different but you don’t understand why.
Often high achieving and successful. You may have a lot of talents and varied interests, which you can synthesize in creative ways. You may be charismatic, and you may have developed a great sense of humor to better connect with others.
There are so many more characteristics to list out, like pathological demand avoidance or having different circadian rhythms or having higher rates of PMDD or feeling literally in pain when bored, and many, many others. (Feel free to comment below with symptoms you want to add to this list!)
If these sound like you, then it’s a great time to learn more about ADHD and to learn more about your mental health options. Self diagnosing is totally legitimate, and I encourage you to talk with a therapist to help with that process. (just make sure it’s a therapist that is trained with a neuro-affirming lens). Go find some books and content by neurodivergent writers, such as Divergent Mind by Jenara Nerenberg or various work by Dr Devon Price.
Formal diagnosis is a good option if you need accommodations at work or school. These can look like extra time taking tests or taking exams in a quiet room by yourself. I’ve helped clients advocate for working from home because of their ADHD, or having more flexible work hours. It should be noted that formal diagnosis may be a little more risky under our current political climate in 2025. Find a trusted and knowledgeable clinician to discuss this with.
Lastly, there are medication options that many clients find relief with. You can talk with your PCP or a psychiatrist about stimulant medication, or about antidepressant options since those can often help. Medications are not for everyone, and sometimes it takes a long trial and error period to find the right medication and the right dosage.
As I said in the beginning, ADHD is not caused by social media usage or by the overstimulating nature of modern life. ADHD has always existed and is a natural diversity of brain structures in humans. It’s frustrating primarily because of how judged many of its symptoms are. It’s a pain to live with because our lifestyles allow for a very narrow subset of experiences to be permissible. It sucks because of how we’ve learned to judge and shame these symptoms.
The biggest advice I have for femmes and thems with ADHD is to learn self compassion. Learn to comfort yourself and care for yourself in a world that doesn’t understand you. Your experiences are real, valid, and important. You deserve to have the world designed for your needs too, and you’re never “too sensitive” or “too much”.
